They Play Dumb To Control You – The Dark Art Of Weaponized Incompetence

Jun 2

You know that sinking feeling, right? The one you’ve been pushing down but it keeps coming back. That one task pops up – the difficult one, the tedious one, the one no one really wants to tackle – and suddenly, the person right there with you, whether it’s your partner, your coworker, even a roommate, becomes utterly, hopelessly incapable. Their brow furrows, the tone becomes whiny, and they let out a sigh. "Oh, I'm just terrible at that sort of thing." Or maybe, "I wouldn't even know where to begin." Sound familiar?

But what if I told you this helplessness might not be helplessness at all? What if it’s a finely tuned performance, a calculated move in a subtle game of control? According to Susan J. Ashford, she and her colleagues call this strategic incompetence. A version of this term, among others, has been all over social media lately, most commonly referred to as weaponized incompetence. This isn't about someone genuinely not knowing how or dealing with a legitimate chronic issue—this is about weaponized incompetence: playing dumb to control you, shift burdens, and wear you down until you’re left carrying all the weight. And believe me, it’s everywhere.

Defining the Undeniable Pattern

Weaponized incompetence is when someone pretends they can't do something or deliberately does a terrible job to dodge responsibility. Clinical psychologist George Simon explains it clearly: "Manipulators often use feigned helplessness as a subtle way to control others, ensuring they remain unaccountable for tasks they wish to avoid" (Simon, 2010).

Clinically, I see this issue often and typically spot it when my clients appear burdened with excessive responsibilities and mention their partner is not making commensurate efforts. They often defend their partner, accustomed to caretaking roles, unaware of how toxic this pattern has become. Yet, when I challenge them to think about it—to examine if the other person could learn, could try, or could improve, but doesn't—the realization does not take long.

The most common follow-up question I receive is, “Why?” Simply put, because it’s effective for them. It’s easier, and often more effective, to make you do it instead. As Judith Butler points out, these behaviors, repeatedly performed, reinforce existing inequalities and power dynamics (Butler, 1990). In other words, they are training you, and on some level, they simple do not care about the burden it places on you.

This isn’t about a one-off bad day or someone genuinely lacking a skill. Genuine incompetence usually comes with a willingness to learn or improve. Weaponized incompetence, though, is a pattern. It’s a strategic display of ignorance, a deliberate "I'm useless at this" act. The key difference is the intent; it's a calculated behavior designed to avoid accountability and shift tasks onto other people.

Let’s examine a few examples of how this can play out.

At home, it's the partner who claims they "can’t cook" anything beyond instant noodles, meaning you always end up making dinner. This selective incompetence often intersects with gender roles. Research by Allison Daminger notes how strategic incompetence reinforces gendered divisions of labor, disproportionately burdening women (Daminger, 2018). I’ve seen this play out in queer relationships, too—so don’t go thinking you’re off the hook, boys.

How about the person who loads the dishwasher so badly that you have to rewash half the dishes? Eventually, you just give up and do it yourself from the get-go. They might say things like, "You're just so much better at it," or "I'll only mess it up." These phrases? Classic red flags.

Or how about in the workplace? That colleague who insists they’re “hopeless with technology” every single time a new software update comes out, leaving you to sort out their digital messes. Or the team member who consistently messes up their part of a project until someone else, usually stressed and on a tight deadline, just takes over. They might dodge tasks by saying it’s “too complicated” or by quickly volunteering others for assignments. According to Hackman and Oldham’s Job Characteristics Model, this deliberate incompetence significantly damages team dynamics, motivation, and productivity (Hackman & Oldham, 1980).

Even friendships can suffer—like the friend who always "forgets" to handle planning for outings. Preston Ni describes this passive-aggressive tactic: "By consistently displaying incompetence, passive-aggressive individuals shift obligations onto others, indirectly expressing resentment without explicit conflict" (Ni, 2014).

Why It Stinks & Why They Do It

If you’ve made it this far, you know the draining feeling of being taken for granted. Arlie Hochschild highlights how constantly shouldering someone else’s responsibilities profoundly impacts emotional health, causing exhaustion, decreased satisfaction, and resentment (Hochschild, 2012). You feel undervalued and like you're constantly picking up slack that isn't yours. This isn’t just a minor annoyance; it’s a serious emotional load and can really damage your relationships. Over time, this imbalance can completely burn out the person left shouldering all the work. You can end up “disappearing” in your own life, losing direction, and becoming a shell of your former self.

But why? Why do people turn to this "dark art" of pretending to be helpless? The reasons can be complicated, but they often come down to a few common themes.

1. Power & Control

One of the biggest drivers is to have the power to do what they want. By pretending to be incompetent, they can manipulate the situation to their benefit, basically deciding who does what, often without ever having to say it directly. They keep control by not doing things, which ends up forcing your hand. It's a sneaky but effective way to make sure they don't get stuck with tasks they just don't want to do.

2. Responsibility Avoidance

Another common reason is the joy of avoiding responsibility and effort. Let's be honest, who doesn’t feel good when we get let off the hook? However, some people use it excessively to get out of tasks they find boring, hard, or just beneath them. It’s easier to play dumb than to actually do the work. This can also be tied to wanting to avoid the discomfort or anxiety that comes with certain tasks. If they feel insecure or worried about failing, for instance, faking incompetence lets them offload the task and the stress that comes with it.

3. Learned Behavior

Other times, it's learned behavior. Maybe they saw it work for someone in their family growing up, or perhaps it got them what they wanted in past relationships or jobs, so it just became their go-to tactic. How society has traditionally viewed gender roles can also play a part, creating situations where some people feel like they can just opt out of certain kinds of work. For example, old-fashioned ideas that women are just naturally better at housework can be totally exploited. Again, this can play out in queer relationships, too!

4. Passive Aggression

In the end, it can also just be a form of passive aggression. Some people really don’t want to talk about their feelings (believe me, I’ve dated plenty of them). If they can't or won't directly say they're unhappy or unwilling to do something, they show it indirectly by doing tasks poorly or not at all. This sends a message of resentment without needing a direct showdown.

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And yes, I know you’re thinking it—sometimes weaponized incompetence can be part of more troubling personality patterns. While not everyone who uses this tactic has a personality disorder, this kind of manipulation – dodging accountability, shifting blame, and controlling others in subtle ways – can be something more nefarious. Paulhus and Williams link this behavior to Dark Triad personality traits—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—noting individuals high in Machiavellianism consistently employ calculated incompetence to maintain dominance (Paulhus & Williams, 2002).

Put directly—these individuals often feel entitled and are willing to exploit others for their own benefit. The aim is to stay in a position of power, often by making others doubt their own perceptions, which is a form of gaslighting. The victim might start to question their own judgment or feel guilty for being "too demanding." The "dark art" part of it is all about how subtle and effective it is. It’s a quiet manipulation that often leaves the victim feeling confused and responsible, instead of seeing the behavior for the calculated act it is. It's designed to wear you down so that just doing the task yourself feels like the easiest option, even though that just keeps the cycle going. If this sounds like your situation, let’s keep reading.

So Now What?

Seeing this pattern for what it is, that’s the first, most important step to breaking free. Once you recognize it, you need to remember that you’re not imagining it, you’re not being too sensitive, and you definitely don’t have to be the one who always fixes everything. It’s really easy to just slip back into old patterns. But then what? According to Harriet Braiker, we need to emphasize clear communication and boundary-setting if we are going to succesfully address manipulative behaviors effectively (Braiker, 2004). Let’s break it down.

1. Call It Out

First, call it out, calmly and directly. This doesn’t mean getting aggressive, but it does mean being clear. You could try saying something like, "I've noticed I usually end up doing [specific task], even when it's supposed to be your turn. I need us to share this." Focus on the behavior and how it affects you, using "I" statements. For instance, "I feel overwhelmed when I have to manage all the household planning on my own. I need your help with this."

2. Set and Hold Firm Boundaries

Second, set and hold firm boundaries. Clearly lay out who is responsible for what, whether it’s chores around the house, tasks at work, or planning social stuff. Write it down if that helps (hint: it often does). When the person starts their "I can't do it" routine, fight the urge to jump in and save them. This is so important. If they "mess up" a task, let them be the one to fix it or deal with the natural fallout of it not being done right. If they claim they don’t know how, offer to teach them *once*, or point them to places where they can learn. But don’t become their forever teacher or the default person who does it.

3. Stop Enabling

4. Set Clear Expectations

Fourth, make expectations crystal clear and offer resources if actual skill-building is needed. In a work situation, this could mean making sure standard operating procedures are easy to find or offering specific training. At home, it might mean learning a new skill together. But keep an eye out for resistance to learning; if they consistently refuse to learn or improve after you’ve offered help and resources, that’s a big sign it’s weaponized incompetence, not a genuine lack of skill (Hackman & Oldham, 1980).

5. Prioritize Your Own Well-Being

Fifth, and most importantly, focus on your own well-being. Constantly dealing with this kind of manipulative behavior is exhausting. Protect your energy. It’s not your job to manage another adult’s responsibilities at the cost of your own mental and emotional health. Sometimes, no matter what you do, the person might not change. In those situations, you might need to rethink the relationship or, in a work context, escalate the issue if it's stopping you from doing your job.

And what if you recognize some of these patterns in yourself? Maybe this has sparked a moment of "uh-oh, that sounds like me." If so, that’s a really powerful first step. Try to figure out why you do it and question it. Is it a fear of failing, something you learned, or a way to feel in control? Acknowledging the pattern and making a real commitment to learning the skills you need and sharing responsibilities fairly is crucial to being a better partner. Sometimes, getting professional help, like therapy or counseling, can be incredibly helpful for both the person doing it and the person affected by it, to understand what’s going on and build healthier ways of interacting. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, as recommended by Judith Beck, can be particularly beneficial in addressing underlying cognitive distortions and building healthier relational patterns (Beck, 2020).

A Few Additional Notes

This whole dynamic of weaponized incompetence is way more common than many people think, and it can be incredibly damaging. The reality is, healthy relationships—whether at home, at work, or with friends—are built on mutual respect, shared effort, and accountability. Weaponized incompetence completely undermines all of that. It’s a subtle sabotage, a quiet demand for you to carry more than your fair share.

But by understanding how it works, by seeing the "dark art" for what it really is—a manipulation tactic, not genuine helplessness—you can start to take away its power. It’s all about creating environments where responsibility is shared, where effort is valued, and where playing dumb just isn’t a winning strategy anymore. Protect your peace, demand fairness, and remember that true partnership, in any part of life, is built on capability, not on carefully constructed incompetence.

References:

David Charles